i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
