i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
