$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
