I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
