I just cut my nipple shaving
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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