also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
