ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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