WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
