He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
