we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
