So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
