I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize