i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
