Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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