i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
