My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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