tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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