When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
