I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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