Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
