it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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