I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
