i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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