If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
