I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
