Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
