You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
