Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
home. puking in laundry basket.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
