last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
how does that bad decision feel?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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