She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
