Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
