I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
