I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
