my phone needs a breathalizer
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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