Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
