and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
