At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
