Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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