i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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