The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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