Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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