i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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