apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
