No period for spring break; use this wisely.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
