Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
did you just send me my own nude
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
