I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
