i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
