she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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