Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
