WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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