I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
