Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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