I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
