please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's shark week go big or go home
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
