so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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