I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize