i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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