I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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