I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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