Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
