Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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