Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
