My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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