Yo dont text me then not text me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Even my vagina gasped.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize