I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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