i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
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