New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
