In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
