I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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