Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Say something about gay babies.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
