Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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